My Story
I really wanted to share this and I wanted it to be more in depth than just a few paragraphs. So, it's quite long, but I feel that it's necessary to tell you everything. I hope you find hope.
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It's been exactly three years since I first invited Jesus into my life. It was in my old home, at church. My church gave the grade 9's Bibles every year and now it was my turn - that Bible is my favourite, I absolutely adore it. Sitting in the pew, feeling it's weight in my hands, I prayed. I wanted to change. I tried to read my Bible everyday, and though I often failed, the commentaries and charts within the pages motivated me and helped me to understand.
I was in grade nine and had my best friend, Lauren, beside me through it all. We were the only people at each other's birthday parties. It was a small school and we were our only friends. One day, Lauren told me that she loved me. She quickly specified that it was purely platonic, but as the next few months went by, I realized that I was in love with her.
My dad told me that he got a job in a town over an hour away. We were moving. Of course I broke down crying. I couldn't start over in a new town! I told Lauren and it crushed us. That spring, as school started to relax and the snow loosened it's hold, my love for her only grew. I remember us sitting on a bench and I leaned back and let my head rest in her lap. I'm sure we got some weird looks, but I thought that this was perfect; finally, someone loves me.
One day, we went to the convenience store to get ice cream and she told me again that she loved me. I was too afraid to say it back. I did grow up in the church, so I knew that being gay wasn't a good thing, but as long as no one confronted me about it - and my Bible stayed closed - I wasn't that bothered by it. But the idea of saying it out loud was nerve-shattering. It would be out there for the whole world to see.
But there was hardly a doubt in my mind. I was in love. Once, I referred to her as my girlfriend while talking to my sister.
October, 2018. We're in our new home, mom (finally) got WiFi installed. It's Halloween night and a topic has been on my mind for a while. I don't know how I became aware of it's existence (no one ever talked about it), but I wanted to watch porn. So, I convinced mom to let me stay home, and on my phone, I opened the door to lust and masturbation. I hugged it and brought it into my life, made it comfortable on the couch and got it a cup of tea. I said "stay a while, take your time." Soon, I spent more time on that website than I did anything else.
Lauren and I were keeping in touch, texting and facetiming and all that stuff. I would text her that I loved her, and she would write it back. We never wrote "no homo." I remember once feeling as though I couldn't write it enough. I told her that I had to say it or else it felt like it wasn't real. Like I had to tell her how I felt. She had to know. She wrote that she felt the same way.
Really, I'm not sure how she felt about me at this point, but I was convinced she loved me too. Clearly not to the same extent, because the next spring, I realized. She wouldn't respond to texts anymore, and if she did it was hesitant and dry. She wasn't following me on any social media platforms anymore. I think she even blocked me on Instagram for a while. I texted asking what was wrong. I told her that she could tell me. Lauren wrote that she "had to go" - something she wrote frequently only moments after I tried to strike up conversation. I wrote "ok." I threw my phone across the room. It was over.
The weight of it hit me like a truck. We were in love, so how did this happen? And then every instance when she'd ever blown me off suddenly came to mind and it all made sense. It's like understanding a math problem after trying it over and over a million times. Except instead of satisfaction, it was only pain.
I was so depressed at this point. I had no friends in my new town because I believed that all I needed was her. My anxiety had spiked so much this past year and Lauren was one of the only things I looked forward to. And then to have her pack up and leave broke my heart.
I was depressed at this point, and angry and sad. There were nights, after an especially hard day, where I would cry and wish that I was dead; anything was better than the crippling fear I felt every day and the pain that resurfaced constantly.
That was March, 2019. The next month, after over a year of ignoring God and trying to forge my own way through life, I was at the Good Friday service at my church and felt my heartstrings being tugged at. I took part in communion for the first time. I prayed to God that He would heal me from my heartbreak and tear away my sin.
Not much changed at first. I was still angry at the world and depressed. That summer, likely do to the break from school, my anxiety was low and my tendency to sin even lower. I was still upset, but it was definitely better. Within the first week of school resuming, my habit reared it's ugly head and my anxiety got worse. I remember the night before school started, I was talking to my mom upstairs. I was so terrified of going back that I cried so hard my head hurt. I felt like I was just screaming. I told her that I wanted to die.
Honestly, I can't tell you what happened during that winter, but when March 2020 rolled around and the world shut down, I was much better. Anxiety was low and masturbation even lower. It was gradual, but March was when I raised my head and saw how far I'd come in only a year. I developed a real thirst and desire for the Bible and spending time with God. I've always struggled with prayer (I just feel like I don't know how) but during this time, I started a prayer binder and started to learn.
Honestly, finding good Christian music was essential in my growth. I've found so much through those songs; I believe that listening to a single worship song can change your entire attitude and refresh your soul.
Over the past few months, I'd found Christian music, Bible journaling and so many other little things that made me excited to continue my walk with God. Now, towards late March, I started thinking about blogging. The thought came to me. I love to write, so why not do it for God? I must have read 1 Corinthians 12, because God brought to my attention that one of the gifts He'd given me was the ability and love for writing.
Soon, even my social media caught on. Pinterest gave me ads for starting blogs, YouTube was showing ads for Wix. On Instagram, I found another young girl just starting out her blog for Christ. And then, I was listening to a podcast while on a road trip and started to doze off when they said something that directly related to my decision.
And in that moment, I opened up my notes app and started typing all the ideas I had for it. Then it came to actually starting it. It's still a very modest thing, but I found that I felt closer to God when I wrote about Him. When I wrote about His love and patience and His Son, I felt as though I were on fire for Him.
In July, the pastor at my church told me that he'd scheduled a date for my baptism - something I'd told him I wanted to do - and I didn't realize until then that there would be other people there. He said around thirty. My social anxiety spiked. I went home, cuddled up on my bed, listened to loud music, and cried. How was I supposed to talk in front of that many people?
Slowly, I came to terms with it and prayed for bravery and strength every day. And the night before (and this was really shocking) I slept. I usually can't sleep for days leading up to an uncomfortable or scary event. But I slept so well. I was so comforted by the fact that God heard me and was holding my hand. Just the thought of Him sitting with me as I tried to fall asleep gave me so much peace.
On August 23, I got baptized. Other than my mom, dad and sister, I'd never told anyone about my issues and struggles. And the amount of support and encouragement I received was staggering. Even people I'd never talked to before were hugging me and telling me how brave and strong I was.
In just three years (which felt incredibly long, but now seem so short) I changed completely. Almost every aspect of myself has been shifted to face God instead of fleshly and worldly desires. Of course, I still struggle (especially after I got baptized and confessed my faith aloud), but I'm not afraid. I know who goes before me.
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
Joshua 1:9
